What Went Wrong?
by greenfly
Summary: ON HOLD INDEFINITELY. HPLOTR crossover. Just a bit of highly amusing fun. Everyone in love with everyone. HP and the gang go to Middle Earth and meet the other gang.
1. Portkey

**What went wrong?**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. At all. Not even the clothes I'm wearing. Joke.

But really, I don't own 'Harry Potter' or 'Lord of the Rings', so don't sue.

I feel I owe an explanation to the origins of this fic. I wrote the beginnings of this with my friend a LONG while back when we were on a sugar high (as you can imagine) and have now decided to see what your reactions will be to this temporary loss of sanity on our behalf. So please review, and if you like it we will be more than happy to continue. We are, after all, still on that sugar high…

**Dun dun dun dun dun duuuun dunduun dundun dudundun dundun DUNDUN**

**Chapter One**

It was a bright sunny day, a perfect day for the famous Harry Potter and co. to be in Hogsmeade. With them they were carrying a bag full of food for Harry's ex-con godfather, Sirius Black. They were all slightly muddy because on the way Draco Malfoy and his friends (Crabbe and Goyle), their old-time rivals, had pinched Ron's bum, and Harry had got jealous and started a fight. Although it was really OK because they were planning to tell Sirius about Harry's rival for not only life and fame, but Ron's affections, so Sirius could change into a dog and take a bite out of Draco's leg. Hermione was in a huff because it was not about her that the boys were fighting, and Vicky (aka Victor Krum) had owl-mailed to say that he had fallen for some straight-haired Norwegian.

"Look Ronie! _(sigh of love)_," Harry exclaimed, jumping up and down and pointing like he'd just been given Honeydukes. "It's a muggle newspaper! You've always wanted to see one!" Harry giggled.

"Wow Harry! You're my hero! At least _somebody_ cares that I wanna see muggle things." At which point Ron stared pointedly at Hermione.

"Oh jeez! What do you mean _somebody_? What about that muggle Gimli poster I gave you that you always sigh and stare at? It's almost as if you fancy him! And that newspaper was just lying on the floor, so shut up, _Ronie_." Said Hermione as she bent to pick it up. "I wonder what a muggle newspaper is doing in Hogsmeade?"

"Voldemort put it there to kill us all! Don't touch it! You'll be cursed!" Hermione paused then straightened, leaving the newspaper untouched.

"Oh Ronie," Hermione comforted. "Neville Longbottom killed Voldemort years ago. You know that."

"But he hurt _you_ Harry-munchkins. I was so worried. He'll come back again! AAAHHHH!"

"Look here Ron! 'Cos I'm the smartest and have bigger hair than you two, do what I say. I say we all touch it at the same time, because it couldn't possibly curse us _all_!"

"You're a _genius_ Hermione!"

"I know," Hermione blushed at Harry's words. "OK, let's do this. On my count of three, we all bend down to pick it up."

"Why do we want to pick it up?" Ron questioned.

"Shut up and do as your told," Harry said. "Listen to the genius."

Hermione blushed again.

"One...Two...Three!"

As the three bent over in unison and picked up the soggy '_Daily Telegraph'_ a familiar feeling gripped them. It felt like an air hook picking them up by their navel and spinning them around.

"Oh shi-"

* * *

"Well that was random. What was the point of that, and what was a portkey doing in the middle of Hogsmeade?"

"Can't you tell Hermione? Voldemort planted it for us! It can't curse all of us huh?"

"Shush Ron." Hushed Harry. "Hermione, don't question the genius' that wrote this. It is called artistic license and in future try to keep your language to English, we can't have people thinking we're some kind of under-bred witches or wizards can we? Now we've got to figure out where we are. We are in some kind of forest. Any ideas?" When Harry had finished the most boring one-sided conversation ever written, a booming voice (it sounded more like creaking) rolled over the hills from a distance.

"I want me some Entwife!"

"Oh shi-"


	2. Discoveries by the Discovered

**What went wrong?**

**Disclaimer:** We own neither Harry Potter nor Lord of the Rings.

**Chapter Two**

"Hermione! Language, please!" Harry exclaimed.

"Um...guys, I don't mean to alarm you, but I think we might be in Fangorn forest."

"Eh?"

"Honestly Ron! If you're so interested in muggles why don't you read their books?"

"Because you know them all off by heart anyway Hermione. You've just told us where we are, now can you please explain _where_ we are?"

"What? Where? Hermione I'm confused."

"Don't worry about it Harry. Ron, stop being so confusing. We are obviously in the land of J.R.R Tolkein in his fantasy series _Lord of the Rings_. Believe it or not, he was a greater genius than even the writers of this fan fiction."

"See what I mean Harry? We don't need to read anything because Hermione knows it all." Hermione was about to retort when out of the previous silence came the sound of voices. The trio silenced immediately to eavesdrop (as you do). One of the voices was musical, one was gruff, one was gay, one was wise, one was just plain gorgeous and four were cute and squeaky. Harry, Ron and Hermione crept closer to listen.

"I still say we should have got those black stilettos for Elrond. He didn't look too pleased when we got him a bow and arrows." Came the musical voice.

"That's only because you wanted to borrow them off him, Legs. It not my fault you two are drag-queens." Came the gorgeous voice.

"Aragorn, darling, I didn't mean to cause offence."

"That's OK. Oi, Sam, move over! I wanna sit next to Frodo for a while."

Hermione beckoned the other two back. She whispered:

"If I'm not mistaken, that's the fellowship right there. And one of the men who goes by the name of Boromir looks and sounds kinda drunk. And Aragorn is definitely the leader. And Legolas is _soooooooooooo_ hot. How fascinating!"

"God Hermione, I swear I could strangle you sometimes."

"Please Ron, don't. That would be painful and as Harry said, you _need_ me. I'm the genius remember?"

"I didn't say we _needed_ you..." Harry muttered.

"Ow! Ron! I thought you _weren't_ going to strangle me." Hermione squealed.

"I'm not Hermione, I'm kinda preoccupied. " Ron croaked.

"Ron what's –? Oh, shi-!"

"Quiet woman! Why were you eavesdropping?"

For you see, the reason Ron croaked and Hermione resorted again to using French (causing Harry to scowl), was because Ron had a knife at his throat held by a slightly tipsy looking man. The reason Hermione thought Ron was strangling her was because she _was_ being strangled, but instead by a great big old geezer – I mean wizard...hehehe...

"Come on old timer, give the babe some respect. Oi! What's wrong wiv him?" Said the drunken but gay voice near Ron, for at that exact moment, Harry had started screaming and pointing a wooden stick at the voice holding Ron captive. But not much seemed to be happening…

You see, the utterly gorgeous genius Malfoy, in the fight earlier on, while pretending to be in pain had taken the Phoenix feather out of Harry's wand. Ron had taken the substance out of Hermione's wand because she was behaving like a twitty know-it-all, and Ron had broken his wand – again. So as a result of the trio being completely trustful and considerate to one another, they were now having sharp objects pointed at them, and they could do nothing about it. Well done guys:-)

Suddenly Harry stilled and silenced once more. For, at that exact moment a sharp object had been jabbed into _his_ back. As he slowlyturned his head, he saw it was attached to a long, wooden stick, which was attached to a bow,which was attached to the cute guy with long hair (aka Legolas). Although Harry was a bit confused as to why Legolas was wearing a dress, Harry was not fazed as the beginnings of butterflies appeared in his stomach at the closeness of the...elf? with the musical voice.

"Now back to me the 'old timer' as you so charmingly put it. What business do you two groovy guys and this one hip chick got in this foreign land so far away from the future when they had invented soap?"

"They haven't invented soap yet? Oh my God! We're doomed!"

"Legolas, you know full well that they haven't invented soap yet, during the few thousand years you have lived on this earth, and yet you always manage to smell like lilacs. How _do_ you do it?"

"Don't try to get that secret out of me geezer – I mean wizard...hehehe..."

"OhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGod! I've never been dirty before. What am I gonna doooo!" Harry wailed.

"Harry, yes you have. You're dirty now!"

"I am! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

"Now look what you've done Hermione!" Ron scolded, causing Hermione to blush once again. (They all seemed to have forgotten about their wands, and had individually reached the conclusion that it was this different world causing the wands to malfunction. So there! On with the dialogue...)

"Quiet humans!" Aragorn bellowed.

"You're a human too, Aragorn," Frodo pointed out.

"Sorry Frodo.Let's get back to what we were talking about. What should Legolas wear to the ball tomorrow night? The silver dress or the blue one?"

"Aragorn, I have asked these muggles twice now what they are doing in our territory. So speak up young, beautiful girl. (I'm free tonight)."

"We're not muggles you pervert!" Ron struggled once more with the ever-caressing grip that held him.

"Oh my Valar!"

"What is it Legolas?" Aragorn questioned. (They dropped the muggle subject).

"Well...now we're an even number, we all have dates for the ball!"

"I get the redhead! After all, red heads should stick together..." Winked Boromir.

"Boromir, you don't have red hair."

"How do _you_ know?"

"That's so unfair! I've already bagsied Ronnie-my-darling."

"Harry, I can go with the short guy with the axe. I think I might need a change..."

"What about me?" Questioned Boromir.

"I say we kill the redhead because you are all no longer fighting over me and I don't like it."

"I still love you Aragorn!"

"Thank you Legolas, it is good to know I have _some_ loyal subjects on this mission." Yet Aragorn's eyes had already strayed over to Frodo.

"So what are you doing here?" Asked Gandalf – _again_.

"Frankly, we don't know. Sorry mate." At which point Gandalf thought: _She called me _mate

"Lets all go back and get some tea!" Suggested Legolas, and as they were leaving Gandalf squeezed Hermione's bum.

"Oh shi-!"

* * *

**A/N**

Well there you have it. Part Two of our sugar-high fic. Really, that is all that we have written so far (which might be a good thing) except for a short paragraph in chapter three about the ball, which we'll probably revise/change anyway. So if anyone actually wants us to write anymore,(and give us an excuse to munch on biscuits and toast), please _please_ **REVIEW!** Otherwise that is IT. FOREVER! MwaHAHAHAHAHA!

Thank you.

Ta ra!


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